ORIGINAL:
With intense love for the game comes intense hatred toward
injuries.
Feelings of withdrawal are just as powerful as feelings of
passion.
Having to watch your career tick like the scoreboard when
you’re down one goal.
Showing positive emotions in the purgatory named recovery.
Nonetheless, injuries fuel you to become stronger, faster,
and better at what you love.
After reading "Voice and Style" and "The Energy of Revision" from The Poet's Companion, I made several changes to my poem. The ideas that were most helpful for revising and improving my poem were the amputary method, the process of mixing up my sentence type, and the section on diction.
In the Bleachers
With intense love for the game comes intense hatred toward
injuries.
The physical pain does not compare to the frustration of
sitting out.
Having to watch your career tick like the scoreboard when
you’re down one goal.
Withdrawal is simply the dark side of passion,
The physical and chemical dependency,
It is the fuel to become stronger, faster, and better .
How can one say, it’s just a game?
Cal- Thanks for following directions, putting both draft and final up, and noting what helped you make changes here. The line 'withdrawal is the dark side of passion' feels like a surprising truth to me. It's an effective moment of telling not showing- however I'd love to see you rewrite this making the other moments showing not telling. How could you create vivid fragments that 'show' physical pain, frustration, awareness of lost career time, and the chemical/endorphin high of skating/playing. It's a very different poem, granted, but I'd love to see you pursue it. Your passion for the topic seems to warrant it.
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